And Lord, I am not my own.
My successes, my future, and my thoughts are not my own.
It is yours.
Everything that I own, that I love, that I tend to and work for, is yours.
NOTHING is for my gain, unless it is the death of me and the exaltation of you.
so, I finally have the time to write the verse that has been on my heart for the past week.
"Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law" — Romans 13:8
Pretty convicting as it is.. BUT YOU KNOW
The word “debt” not only means to owe or to repay, but It also means a feeling of gratitude for a service or favor. And we all know and believe (or so I hope) that we love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19), but when we love one another, its not only an action done as an expression of the love we have for the lord, but it is an action and expression of thankfulness and gratitude to Christ and a reminder of the cross.
So, Lord I pray, that your people may love out of their thankfulness for You and the cross. I pray, that our lives may be an endless thanksgiving and a ceaseless expression of gratitude.
I thank you Lord that you minister outside the four walls of the church.
You follow and bless.
You follow and heal.
You pursue and give.
You come and listen.
For those that know me, I really really really enjoy nature and being outside and I finally know why. I mean, I enjoy it because its beautiful and it provides an escape from the normality of life—being trapped by 4 walls throughout the day is brutal for me. I enjoy the freshness in the air, despite the pollution and smog. I like it cause..it just feels good. To be honest, the list can go on, but i finally found the real underlying reason for it all.
I was sitting in my car today after I got out of class an hour early (hallelujah) and I parked right next to my house. Obviously I had the windows down and had music on, pretty much asking for the Lord to speak to me ahah. And as I sat there for about half an hour, i received so much inner healing. It was at that moment where I finally felt whole and complete from the past two weeks of my life. I felt so cared for by such a great God. I felt important and significant, seen.
I’ve come to realize that I experience God through nature.
Not in the cliche way where I end up saying, “wow god is a beautiful painter”; “wow, he is so creative”; “wow God is so big and im so small”..ahaha I actually cant help but to laugh at those comments. All of these attributes are so true about God, but I experience not parts of his character, rather, Him in his fullness. I experience Him, not characteristics of Him.
I feel Him in the wind.
I feel Him through the sunlight.
I hear Him in the silence.
I see Him in the vastness.
but boy, do I feel him. We must remember that the love of God is a tangible love. Its inconceivable but completely tangible. It’s so transcendent, but so familiar. I feel Him. I feel his grace over me and I feel his comfort next to me.
I feel His intimacy and his pursuit.
I feel His longing for me and I know He feels mine.
I sound like a hippie.
and how is it so that it is only because of your blood that drives me to continue to pursue
and to pursue desperately.
how can one act leave an imprint like this.
Today marks the 1 year of my baptism.
And I bet you are all expecting a grandiose post of how far I’ve come and how so much has happened within this year, but I will not. Yes, a lot has been learned and has happened this past year and God has been pouring out blessings upon blessings, but today, I struggle. This week, the past two weeks, I have struggled.
HAHA, MAN I STRUGGLE SO MUCH. Countless times I am defeated by my flesh; my mind can’t help but to succumb to my selfishness and my body can’t help but to be impacted by circumstances, people, and words. And at this moment, I feel so weak. I feel so incapable; I feel so foolish.
That’s where I am.
but, I will choose to boast in my weaknesses for it is in my weakness where He is made strong. It is in my weakness where He is made known, for I have been hidden in Christ. I choose to boast in my weaknesses because it is then, where all of my depravity can only point to his holiness.it’s In my weakness, where his strength is glorified. Its in my incapability where his sovereignty and might is made known. Its in my foolishness where His grace and mercy is lifted high. And that’s why I will choose to rejoice in my suffering, because its not about me. Its about the King. Its about my Dad. Its about my Lord.
So God, I come to you in all my depravity, in all my iniquities, thanking you that you still choose to move in me in the midst of them. Your grace overwhelms me, Oh Lord. I thank you that in the middle of my weakness and my fear, You will still be glorified. Your glorification is not contingent upon me! Your holiness is not dependent on me! You will be lifted High and everyone will cry out “Hosanna, Hosanna” at the sight of you God. God that’s all that I desire. I just want my life to be satisfying to You and to be an act of worship for You. I desire God to live a life that is worthy of praising a name like yours. So God, allow me to continue to be hidden in you. Use me in all ways. Use me in my weariness. Use me in my blindness Lord. Use me in my weakness God. My soul’s desire is for there to be more of you. I choose to go through it all for you Lord, for there is no one else like You. Even through this week, this day God..I will choose to go through it for you. Cause I know that struggling with you is better than struggling without you; and I know that struggling for you is better than struggling for man. God you are enough. You are more than enough for me today. You were enough yesterday, You are enough today and You will be enough tomorrow.
i accept that offer. This actually really encouraged me. Thanks brotha, or sista, or motha or fatha…or stranga
and I ask this in a state of complete awe and thankfulness, but why me, God?
Why did you have to choose me, Lord?
to be part of a kingdom like this.
to be part of a purpose like this.
to be part of a love like this.
Your grace, Oh God, is more than words can say.
Thank you Lord that you do not leave me.
Thank you Lord that you will never forsake me.
Thank you Lord that you are my refuge.
Thank you Lord that you are my strength.
that the joy of the Lord is my strength,
that Your love is my strength.
that Your resurrection my strength.
and so, I pick myself up,
dig my heels back into the ground that you’ve already conquered
and run forth.
Cause there’s nothing else that satisfies! There is nothing sweeter than your word and your presence Oh Lord. I have tasted your goodness and there is none other than You.
my soul is well with You, God.
only with You.
And You say, “it is I, do not be afraid”
Sometimes I feel like the Lord made it too easy for us.
As I was praying in worship today, all I could say was, “How can you make it so easy God? How can you make it so easy for me?”
Think about it.
Every time we sin, every time we fall and fail and face the fact that we are absolutely nothing without him..all we need to do is turn around.
All we need to do is turn around, and He’s there.
He’s been there, following us, and waiting for us to come back.
all we need to do is turn around.
and he accepts me and he forgives me.
so, I was standing there in service, completely overwhelmed and undone by His grace. Lord, HOW COULD YOU LOVE ME?! HOW IN THE WORLD CAN YOU JUST STAND THERE AND HUG ME AND SAY THAT YOU’RE GLAD IM BACK WHEN IVE DONE ALL THAT I COULD TO DISAPPOINT YOU?!
how can you make it so easy for me?
how can you make it so easy for us?
that all we have to do is turn around.
man, the gospel.